Monday, June 28, 2010

Cake or Death? I'll have the chicken...

I love food.

I cannot tell you how much I love food or when it even began. Probably with my mother, who when I was very little was a housewife long before they were desperate for anything beyond peace and quiet and the occasional Tupperware party. She made most of what she cooked from scratch to me, nothing served to me in a restaurant will compare. We grew up in the South and all that entails; delectable fried foods but homegrown vegetables from our grandfather's garden as well. Food was nutrition but it was also love; we were all served our favorite cake and meal on our birthdays and the holidays full of homemade cookies and pies in four flavors.

Food was also comfort when I was depressed when someone made me feel bad or kids at school who bullied me, called me ugly, or treated me like a freak. It's what I stuffed myself with to fill the loneliness from having little or no friends and siblings who didn't understand me and a dad who couldn't relate. After a while it became easy to sit with a book and read indoors rather than be laughed at for being clumsy and uncoordinated. Let them play while I got smarter. In my arrogance I thought myself superior to those "dumb jocks" because I got good grades.

Food was there when I battled clinical depression, deaths in the family, my own insecurities. But I don't want to live like that any more. I want to have someone to talk to when I feel that way. And I do. Several people. I have friends, real life friends to hang out with when I'm lonely, schedule permitting and someone who truly loves me at any size.

So I'm gonna learn to be happy without food.

First, I'm going to learn to be happy with smaller portions. Those first few weeks were hell because I wasn't eating as much and it was driving me nuts. So I did some research online at about meal planning, including how much to put on your plate, what to eat and little visual tricks such as using smaller plates to make the food look bigger.

Your body needs water any way so why not drink something that makes you feel more full? I also like tea, sweet(Splenda, Stevia) or unsweet, decaf or regular. Yeah, plain water is boring but you can add little flavorings, like lemon or lime juice. Or the juice of one (just one!) of a berry, be it strawberry, raspberry, blackberry, etc.

No lie; those first few weeks of less food and different food was horrible. Now my stomach's adjusted and hopefully I wouldn't want to back to eating as much as I used to and the very idea of salty, fatty foods disgusts me.

I still miss ice cream and cookies and I can't see that ever completely going away but now I make good substitution choices. Some of it is just good common sense. Do I want a tiny little half cup of low carb or sugar free ice cream or do I want a whole cup of mixed berries?

Seems like easy math to me.

Disclaimer: This is my personal experience and my own opinions. I'm not trying to treat or diagnose anything and the opinions I express are my own. This is all conjecture. I'm learning as a go so forgive any inaccuracies. This is a way for me to cope and focus my emotions into something positive. If you read this and recognize yourself in anything I've written about, please, talk to your doctor. Read some books. And never be afraid to scream, cry, or yes, laugh about being a diabetic. I'm going to.

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